Godzilla vs Bad Writing

[Psycho Soldier]

Man, I haven't posted here for the longest time...anyway, here's the story, if you care. I originally posted it at Kaijuphile but felt that others should take heed also...

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GODZILLA VS BAD WRITING
A Scathing Parody by Bruce Parker

Crappy fan fiction pisses me off. Lack of description/punctuation, ludicrous dialogue, lack of paragraphing and rushed presentations seem to be the norm when one attempts to read any of it. I am writing this story in an attempt to show you what you must not do when you are writing. If you feel that any of the following is very similar to your own writing... good. Maybe you’ll do something else with your free time instead of write.

Chapter 1: Godzilla Dies!

In the year 4055, aliens invaded the earth and blew stuff up and people started running around screaming “What are we gonna doâ€

[Psycho Soldier]

Chapter 2: An Intimate Moment

Upon a tall hill, two teenagers - a boy and a girl - sat talking to each other. They really have nothing to do with this story, but it’s not easy to pad these things out to one page.

“I love you,â€

[Psycho Soldier]

Chapter 3: The Repetition of Gigan’s Repetition

Tokyo, Japan, August 16, 4055, 16:11 AM, or something like that; nobody cares anyway, since they won’t read this far...

The steel hook of the cyborg bird slashed through the side of a building, blowing it to pieces. Gigan chortled as his steel hook slashed through the side of another building, blowing it to pieces as well. The cyborg bird then stomped on a row of cars, and they, too, blew to pieces. The cyborg bird suddenly ascended into the air for no apparent reason, chortling at what a studmuffin he was for slashing through buildings so easily with his steel hook.

Seeing another part of the city ahead, Gigan descended, and he landed in the centre of it.

The steel hook of the cyborg bird slashed through the side of a building, blowing it to pieces. Gigan chortled as his steel hook slashed through the side of another building, blowing it to pieces as well. The cyborg bird then stomped on a row of cars, and they, too, blew to pieces. The cyborg bird suddenly ascended into the air for no apparent reason, chortling at what a studmuffin he was for slashing through buildings so easily with his steel hook.

Seeing another part of the city ahead, Gigan descended, and he landed in the centre of it.


The steel hook of the cyborg bird slashed through the side of a building, blowing it to pieces. Gigan chortled as his steel hook slashed through the side of another building, blowing it to pieces as well. The cyborg bird then stomped on a row of cars, and they, too, blew to pieces. The cyborg bird suddenly ascended into the air for no apparent reason, chortling at what a studmuffin he was for slashing through buildings so easily with his steel hook.


Seeing another part of the city ahead, Gigan descended, and he landed in the centre of it.


The steel hook of the cyborg bird slashed through the side of a building, blowing it to pieces. Gigan chortled as his steel hook slashed through the side of another building, blowing it to pieces as well. The cyborg bird then stomped on a row of cars, and they, too, blew to pieces. The cyborg bird suddenly ascended into the air for no apparent reason, chortling at what a studmuffin he was for slashing through buildings so easily with his steel hook.


Seeing another part of the city ahead, Gigan descended, and he landed in the centre of it.


The steel hook of the cyborg bird slashed through the side of a building, blowing it to pieces. Gigan chortled as his steel hook slashed through the side of another building, blowing it to pieces as well. The cyborg bird then stomped on a row of cars, and they, too, blew to pieces. The cyborg bird suddenly ascended into the air for no apparent reason, chortling at what a studmuffin he was for slashing through buildings so easily with his steel hook.


Seeing another part of the city ahead, Gigan descended, and he landed in the centre of it.


The steel hook of the cyborg bird slashed through the side of a building, blowing it to pieces. Gigan chortled as his steel hook slashed through the side of another building, blowing it to pieces as well. The cyborg bird then stomped on a row of cars, and they, too, blew to pieces. The cyborg bird suddenly ascended into the air for no apparent reason, chortling at what a studmuffin he was for slashing through buildings so easily with his steel hook.

Seeing another part of the city ahead, Gigan descended, and he landed in the centre of it.

The steel hook of the cyborg bird slashed through the side of a building, blowing it to pieces. Gigan chortled as his steel hook slashed through the side of another building, blowing it to pieces as well. The cyborg bird then stomped on a row of cars, and they, too, blew to pieces. The cyborg bird suddenly ascended into the air for no apparent reason, chortling at what a studmuffin he was for slashing through buildings so easily with his steel hook.

Seeing another part of the city ahead, Gigan descended, and he landed in the centre of it.

The steel hook of the cyborg bird slashed through the side of a building, blowing it to pieces. Gigan chortled as his steel hook slashed through the side of another building, blowing it to pieces as well. The cyborg bird then stomped on a row of cars, and they, too, blew to pieces. The cyborg bird suddenly ascended into the air for no apparent reason, chortling at what a studmuffin he was for slashing through buildings so easily with his steel hook.

Seeing another part of the city ahead, Gigan descended, and he landed in the centre of it.

Actually, this time, Gigan didn’t destroy anything. Sensing that he was trapped doing the same stuff over and over again, the cyborg bird’s steel hooks ripped into his flesh, and tore his guts open, killing himself.

Gigan was a victim of his own hobby - slashing through the sides of buildings, blowing them to pieces.

[Psycho Soldier]

Chapter 4: Seomthig acshually hapens
LOL. Just kidding.

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Chapter 5: Something Really Does Happen This Time, For Behold, the Armies of War Descend Screaming from the Heavens, Brandishing Crimson Swords of Doom

The man, Adam, sat in front of his window, drinking coffee that was evidently too strong for him, for he suddenly began literally bouncing off of the walls, ricocheting into nearby furniture and nearly killing his pet tiger, which until that moment had been peacefully gnawing on the remains of a dog.

"Wow! That’s some really strong coffee,â€

[Psycho Soldier]

[Psycho Soldier]

Chapter VI: Godzilla Isn’t Dead After All!!11one

Suddenly, from beyond the depths of the ocean sea, Godzilla rose, stirred but not shaken. He had been mortally wounded by the fatal blow - but Godzilla was immortal, and he had suddenly healed the wound in no time flat.

Suckers, he thought. They don’t suspect a thing. And nobody suspects that I think like a human, even though that’s insane because I can’t even talk like a human, much less understand human languages.

Sudenlee a buch of ufos fledw up and started bnlast9jg godzxilla but he was inmune to theorj beams and so he got very angry and started blowing the hell out of the ufos and the aliens in te fuos screamed like litle girls and were turned to ashes by the dragon’s sheerr might.

And at this point, the author decided that the story had gone on long enough, and so proceeded to end it with a cryptic remark that meant nothing, because he never intended on writing a sequel, but hopes he gets a really big cheque for this one.

To be continued...