Monster Zero x SciFi Japan - Archive Only

Well, I just saw the Super Mario Bros. movie for the first time in years. Since it first came out, possibly. I of course knew of its reputation, and didn't have all that many fond memories of it in the first place, but I sat down and gave it a shot.

To my surprise, it was actually not that bad. It's nothing ground-breaking, but it's a pretty fun and competent action-fantasy-adventure... thing.

It's just downright BIZARRE in it's not-Mario-ness.

Now keep in mind, I liked the movie. Anything negative I say about it is simply in reference to its accuracy to the games.

The movie starts out shakily, with a weird cartoon sequence of talking dinosaurs and some painful exposition about the meteor that killed the dinosaurs having created an alternate dimension. After that, we get almost nothing Mario-related (even for this movie) for like... a half hour.

And then there's the love interest. It's Daisy. Luigi's girlfriend. I have no problem with that, but for the first movie? Isn't Mario rescuing Peach on par with Superman rescuing Lois Lane? Why start off with Daisy?

So, we finally get to the Mushroom Kingdom, and... oh, no, wait, I'm sorry, Dinohattan.

Wait, what? "Dinohattan?" Are you serious?

Remember how Mario would go through Peach's magic, mythical kingdom filled with castles and stuff? Where there were apparently NO humans aside from the Brothers, Peach and the Toads?

Well screw that, here's a weird '90s sci-fi/fantasy ghetto-city thing! Complete with old ladies who will rob you at gunpoint.

Hey look, there's a street performer who I'm pretty sure was wearing a yarmulke! ...Who is apparently Toad!

Also, these eight-foot-tall behemoths with stupidly tiny raptor heads are Goombas!

And Bowser (still called King Koopa at this point) is Dennis Hopper! Not even with any make up or doing the voice for a suit or anything, just... Dennis Hopper!

WHAT?

And then, as if radically changing the above characters wasn't bad enough, we get some massively important elements of the game series just left out completely.

Bowser's minions? Goombas only. No Koopa Troopas, no Piranha Plants, no Cheep Chomps, no Bloopers, no Lakitu and Spinies, no Buzz Beetles. Just Goombas.

Why?

Mario's famed power-ups, the Star and the Fire Flower? His famed yellow cape and racoon hat/tail combo? Not even alluded to. Instead he gets flying boots and a flame-thrower.

Because remember when Mario used a flame-thrower?

The mushrooms are present (sort of), but don't make the Brothers grow or bring them back to life. One just turns into a frisbee-shroom so Mario can toss it at Bowser.

Toad, 'beloved' sidekick to Princess Peach and the fourth biggest hero in the series before Yoshi came along? VICIOUSLY MUTATED INTO A GOOMBA.

Because remember when that happened in the games?

I mean, I know "But our princess is in another castle!" got annoying after a while, but geez.

Cute little Yoshi, Mario's trusted steed?

STABBED IN THE NECK.

BECAUSE JESUS CHRIST.

Bowser tells the Brothers he's evolved from a tyrannosaurus rex. Because when I see Bowser's dragon-turtle-hybrid self, I think "tyrannosaurus rex."

Mario and Luigi don't even wear their famed overalls! They just wear some red/green and blue jumpsuits. In like the last fifteen minutes of the movie.

And remember the boss fight where you had to get the necklace out of the fat black woman's boobs? That was a really difficult level, and I'm glad they were able to capture it so perfectly.

It's just so weird. It's like they were so busy going "Hey, this'll be a great little nod to the games that only the hardcore fans will pick up on!" that they forgot that this was ACTUALLY A MARIO BROS. MOVIE.

But then they'll go and blow your mind by doing something like MAKING BOB-OMB THE MOST GAME-ACCURATE THING IN THE ENTIRE MOVIE.

Finally, something I learned upon watching the credits: Yoshi, the Goombas and Bowser's monster form (which I suspect the filmmakers thought was another "DUR, WE SO CLEVER!" 'nod') were all designed by...

Patrick Tatopoulos.

It seems he has a long, proud history of taking famous reptilian characters and making them look like generic crap.

And now, a few positive things, despite the movie's weirdness (and not its intended weirdness):

The sequence where Mario and Luigi go crazy in a stolen cop car is actually a pretty nice homage to Mario Kart.

Despite his too-small-to-be-ridden-ness, I liked Yoshi's design. I just wish they would've made him green or given him fins on his head or something.

And even though their casting seems to be entirely out of left field, I thought Bob Hoskins and John Leguizamo did a pretty good job as Mario and Luigi (though Leguizamo does Luigi just a bit too cocky for my tastes).

To reiterate, the whole movie is enjoyable and I liked it a lot more than I thought I would. You just need to distance yourself from the idea that this is a Super Mario Bros. movie. Or at least consider it "vaguely inspired by."

As just an action-fantasy-adventure movie, though, it's really fun. Might pick it up on DVD if I get the chance.

haven't seen it for years but it was a complete garbage movie to my recollection. I like things based on things to be like the things they're based on.

Every time I see a neckbeard complain online about something stupid like Cobra Commander's new mask or Optimus Prime's flames,I wish I could tie them to a chair and make them watch this.

This is the exact moment that a bullet was driven into Dennis Hopper's career/dignity. RIP.

[quote="Kristy Puchko"]With his big mustache, red overalls and gawky brother, Mario of Super Mario Bros. has been an icon of video gaming since the 1980s. His adventures rescuing Princess Peach while collecting coins, and trouncing grimacing Goombas, made little narrative sense yet made for countless hours of entertainment for gamers old and young. So following the successful release of Super Mario Bros. 1-3, it made perfect sense for some enterprising producer to attempt a movie spin-off. Of course, the result was the totally ludicrous Super Mario Bros., which starred Bob Hoskins and John Leguizamo as two Brooklyn plumbers who haphazardly enter a portal to another dimension where dinosaurs have evolved into human-life creatures. You know, nothing like the game!

If you've ever wondered how the filmmakers strayed so far afield from what the games were known for, Game Informer has got the answers, detailing the Super Mario Bros. bizarre and bumpy path from pitch to one of the worst movies of 1993. The whole tale is pretty incredible, but below you can check out some bewildering behind-the-scenes facts.

1. Danny DeVito, who had recently helmed the dark comedies Throw Momma from the Train and The War of the Roses was initially approached to direct Super Mario Bros., and star as Mario. When he passed on the project, Turner & Hooch-era Tom Hanks was considered, but hot off such kid-friendly blockbusters as Hook and Who Framed Roger Rabbit, producers decided Bob Hoskins would be a more "bankable" star.

2. Before Dennis Hopper signed on to play King Koopa, '80s A-listers Arnold Schwarzenegger and Michael Keaton were considered for the role. Yep, The Terminator and Batman. Obviously, both passed.

3. Producers commissioned several scripts to decide on a direction for the project, and before they settled on co-directors Annabel Jankel and Rocky Morton's vision of a dystopic cyberpunk-styled, dinosaur-populated Manhattan, they considered a light-hearted adventure in the vein of The Wizard of Oz or Alice in Wonderland, an action-packed Die Hard-inspired version that would ideally feature a Bruce Willis cameo, and a Mad Max-styled riff complete with death races.

4. The studio wanted a kid-friendly flick, so when they felt Jankel and Morton's vision was skewing too dark, they called in Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure scribe Ed Solomon to do a pass on the script just weeks before production. Morton recounts, "We were forbidden to work with that writer. And that was only a couple of weeks before we went into principle photography. I’d already had the set built and a lot of characters with prosthetics had already been made, so that script came in and a lot of it didn’t match what we’d already started working on.â€